Yeah, so those posts never happened this week. My job has been ridiculous this week...to the point where I can't even slack off. My bosses love me now because I'm putting in about 10-12 hours a day, but it's really cutting in to my lazy time (reading and writing blogs, fantasy baseball, stealth napping, etc.). Once this deadline ends, I'll be back. I still owe you a Sawyer "Bad-Ass of the Week" column, my presidential selection column, and I've got plenty I want to talk about. Unfortunately, I'm barely having time to write this on my lunch break.
Look for me next week. I promise I'll make up for these couple weeks with massive amounts of posting. Stay with me people. In the meantime, read the blogs/sites to the right (all have been pretty funny lately, except Ryan's because he's been worse than I have with posting).
Enjoy the start to your June...and enjoy Dwight Halpert.
Yeah, so I've now spent an entire week in the real world, but unfortunately, that coincided with a crapload of work (see, I can be family-friendly). I had planned my sweet schedule to post three times a week with awesome topics and a rotating schedule of important formats, but honestly, I've had so much work dumped on me I can barely keep up with my fantasy team (gasp!).
So here's the deal, party people: I've got a huge deadline this week on Thursday. I'm going to post my Sawyer blog tomorrow night before Lost starts (at the special time of 9/8c) so you can get pumped up for the finale. Then, Friday, I will post something discussing my surefire way to select a presidential candidate to support in 2008. Then, next week, I'll be hopefully back up to speed, but I promise, as a member of the Dwight Army of Champions(!) and not a slacker-loser-wiseass like Jim, I will not let another week go by without my prose tickling your funny bone (elbow)/idea bone (brain)/lack of boredom bone (Xyphoid Process).
Anyways, keep an eye out for the post tomorrow night (or save it to enjoy Thursday knowing I wrote it before the finale...so I knew Locke was still alive before they reveal that...take THAT Lost writing staff) and for more hilarity in the coming weeks. Sorry again to stand you up...but face it, you're all dirty whores when it comes to reading blogs.
Except for you...I just mean everyone else...we're cool, right?
Ok, so in lieu of typing now since I'm now in the crunch, enjoy Stephen Colbert's answer to Korean R&B sensation Rain:
It's now "in" to be in trouble again. Just look at Paris Hilton... she will be in prison for 45 days for violating her probation and driving with a suspended license after she got busted on a DUI. The system worked perfectly: she got caught screwing up, the judge said she gets one more chance (which he did NOT have to give her), she blew it, and she pays the price. No one has any right to complain about this.
Then I see this petition that she apparently helped make. First of all, I'm disgusted that there are actually 10,000 people in this country who feel that her "contributions" to society warrant her getting off without any punishment. What kind of person actually agrees that "She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives?!?" She's an heiress who coupled her money with her mediocre looks in order to springboard herself into a crappy pop music career, a reality show where people laughed at her more than with her, a modeling career that only flourishes because of her last name, and she only gets the "sex symbol" attention she does because guys figure she's attainable because she gives off the vibe that she would sleep with anything with a pulse and a free appendage.
Then, to make the claim that she deserves the same treatment as Richard Nixon is ridiculous. Sure, Nixon screwed up, too, and probably shouldn't have gotten off as he did (I feel Ford's pardon was more of a "the country is better off to just forget this ever happened" move than forgiveness), but Paris Hilton? One person ran the country, the other can't hold a minimum wage job without treating it like a vacation and probably would have choked on her own vomit by now if she didn't have an entourage of people with her at all times. Why does she deserve treatment different from anyone else? Celebrities don't deserve preferential treatment... and neither does Paris.
Finally, the list of people that have gotten off for similar charges doesn't support the movement for a pardon for a few reasons. One: what "slap on the wrist" did those other celebs get? I bet it was probation. Yeah, and when you violate probabtion, that's when the hammer drops. She violated probation... her fault. Two: You honestly think that because they got off, so should Paris? If anything, that reminds me how stupid it is that any of them got off lightly and makes me want to punish Paris further. In fact, bring 'em all back in for a harsher sentence. And three: who are the people signing the petition to state that Paris that those other celebrities aren't also "sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for [their] actions" and that they don't deserve forgiveness? Unless you know them all personally and can gauge their emotions, you cannot use this as an argument. It's 45 days... celebrities have gone to prison before. I'm sure her "career" will be fine...
"You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball..."
More fun with the justice system and illegal actions: - Michael Vick has been getting into trouble thanks to the water bottle incident and his latest escapades of people training fight dogs for sport in his house in Virginia. He says he had no idea it was happening and it was all his friends. Really gross stuff... I think he might want to get some new friends. - Ricky Williams tested positive for marijuana AGAIN. He wants to make a return to football, but he can't put down the pot for long enough to get substance clearance. Sadly, I feel like this is far less of an issue than steroids in sports, but he's getting much more attention. But don't try to say he'll be out of football shape because honestly, for the past few years, you just couldn't get him off the grass... Thank you! I'll be here all week... - Now that it's been about a full season or so, picture the Lost plot with Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros' characters (Anna-Lucia and Libby) still somehow involved. If they didn't get DUI charges, think about where those two characters might be. My guess is the latter would be stuck to Hurley after a mishap during intercourse...dude...
Speaking of Lost, next week's lineup will feature something mysterious on Monday (in that I have no idea what my "rant" piece will be on, especially since my Frivolous Friday turned into a mini-rant as it is...never fear because something will piss me off before Monday.) and a Lost character will be featured in the first ever Bad-Ass Feature about a character still active in a TV show. You don't want to miss it, Freckles... here's something to get you in the mood.
Anyways, I'm off for my first full weekend as a man free from schoolwork...catch you all Monday.
How can that sweet, innocent face be covering up so much pain? It pains me to think of young Shawn Patrick Hunter and the struggles he went through. His lousy father Chet constantly running after his so-called "mother," constantly looking at the other children with functional families (albeit sometimes strange...right Topanga?), and then learning your mother wasn't who you thought it was...you were birthed by a stripper! If that were me, I think I might cherry bomb a mailbox, too...
But through all this pain, Shawn was able to still exude confidence, great hair, and a bad-boy image that attracts all kinds of girls. In fact, he probably could have gotten Veronica Wasboyski if, you know, it wasn't Shawn in drag trying to learn what it's like to be a girl. This is one area where Shawn surpasses all other bad-boys: the ability to maintain his carefree look while also learning valuable lessons constantly. It's as if he could become rich with experience and know right from wrong, but still look like he could whip out a cigarette in the boys room and reenact the dialogue from "Hot for Teacher" by Van Halen. With such a powerful resource as Mr. Feeny, a family willing to take him in at any time, and a teacher who can take him under his wing and demonstrate how to be a bad-ass biker and also an English teacher simultaneously, it was clear Shawn could have maintained his style and still learned like 3 major life lessons a day well into his 50's.
But then it had to happen - one day, the lessons took over the bad-ass attitude and turned Shawn into a lame version of himself. Don't get me wrong, the show was still alright and his character was important, but it wasn't the "Shawn" we learned to love. Where was the desire to prank like when he changed Feeny's name to "Weeny" on the school newspaper headline? Where was the willingness to forget your responsibilities and hide out at Cory's? How about that lazy attitude in the back of the classroom, drawing Cory across the lines of tempation as if he were the devil on his shoulder? Suddenly his past was only used by his half-brother, Jack, as a comeback in arguments. He chased after one girl for way more than his two-week rule. He fell in love, he grew up, and he got soft...and therefore, he must turn in his leather jacket.
Let us not focus on his demise though. We will remember Shawn for his antics, his pranks, his ability to ignore responsibilities... he was a heartbreaker, a rebel, a foil to Cory's good boy looks and attitude... in the end, we come not to bury Shawn but to praise him. For every cheesy moment with Angela, we shall remember him making fun of Minkus. For every sweater he wears, we'll think of his bomber jacket. For every book he reads for college, we shall remember all the pranks. We will miss you, awesome, bad-ass version of Shawn Hunter.
QUICK NOTE: Did anyone else notice he's wearing almost the exact same sweater in the two pictures on the left? Weird...those have to be like 5 years apart!
EXTRA NOTE: What happened to the original Morgan? That always bothered me. The new Morgan sucked! Little Morgan was cute and sweet. Older Morgan was too sassy and rude... Update: Rider Strong, who clearly was named to go into pornography, was in a slue of terrible roles, from his recurring character on "Pepper Dennis" to his lead gig in Cabin Fever. Yeah, they're making a sequel for Cabin Fever by the way... that's quite possibly the worst idea for a sequel since Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses. Seriously, when the best part of the movie is completely unrelated the plot, hilarious and confusing, and involves one of the weirdest haircuts on a little kid I've ever seen...
...you shouldn't be making a sequel. Sadly, that's pretty much the most successful anyone from Boy Meets World has been since the show ended...
Loyal readers of the blog know I'm from New England...Rhode Island to be exact which one friend recently stated was "a fly-over state." While I think he needs to spend more than one weekend there to make that judgment since it has more people in it than half the traditional "fly-over" states, was an original colony, is full of beautiful beaches and landmarks, and he's from upstate New York (I'll take the high road here, primarily because said friend also has a brother who will likely read this post).
One characteristic that comes from being a Rhode Islander is that you tend to embrace the Red Sox as your baseball team of choice (unless you hate baseball, grew up on the hill, or have family ties to Yankees fans). A nice thing about being outside Boston (and all of New England to be fair) these days is looking in on the fan base and realizing they can be freakin' insane from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I love almost everything to do with the Red Sox, but the three major exceptions are (1) Fever Pitch, (2) Bandwagon Fans, and (3) Ignorant or Illogical Fans. The first one I'll rant about sometime if Sayid Jarrah ever gets ahold of me and sticks bamboo shoots under my fingernails until I agree to watch the movie and #2 is one I'm sure I'll get to (especially if I see a pink Sox hat anytime soon in DC). But #3...it's your turn!
I don't understand the thought process in the minds of some Red Sox fans. Yes, all fan bases have their dunces, but given the rabid nature of the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry, coupled with the fact that the Sox have, for years, been on the losing end of it, has made many a member of Red Sox Nation lose it over something really trivial. The latest example: this little photograph that appeared on the airwaves and in newspapers late last week...
I first caught a glimpse of this image on PTI on Thursday night while waiting to meet family for dinner at Union Station. My first reaction: disappointment. Yes, I'll be honest, I was sad Brady is either a Yankees fan or pulling the "stylish use of a Yankees cap" move (see rap culture of early 2000's). If it's the latter, it's actually worse. I'd rather someone select a team and root for them even if it's the Yankees than to leech onto a team because it's popular or they're successful. But I'll assume it's a legitimate sports affilitation...
What was my next reaction? Acceptance. If you look at this in the stages of loss, there really is no reason to get angry or depressed, bargain or deny... it's his choice. Why do Sox fans think that because Tom Brady plays in Foxboro (not even Boston...) he has to be a fan of the local team? With the constant movement of most players in professional sports (particularly those who aren't franchise players), how can you expect them to abandon their sports affiliations on a whim whenever they relocate? If you knew a diehard Boston fan who moved from Boston to New York and immediately became a diehard Yankees fan, you would torment him! How can you so easily switch sides? This is why Jimmy Fallon is an ass...how can he call himself a Yankees fan, then star in a Red Sox movie and claim (right after they win the World Series by the way) that he's become a Sox fan because he appreciates the fanbase, then state he likes both teams*? That kind of shady sports bigamy, particularly between two teams in the biggest rivalry in the United States, doesn't fly...
"My affection for the Red Sox did not begin 18 months ago when I was cast as 'Ben' in 'Fever Pitch,' it started when I was starring as 'Sully' on SNL, and it does not end today. I will remain a Red Sox fan whenever I'm in Boston but will remain a Yankee fan everywhere else I travel. From Boston Dirt Dogs: http://bostondirtdogs.boston.com/Headline_Archives/2005/11/fallon_down.html
Back to Brady, keep in mind he went to school in Michigan. Should we expect him to be a Tigers fan? Or how about a Giants or A's fans having grown up in San Mateo, California? The fact of the matter is he more than likely became a baseball fan well before he got drafted by the Patriots. Just because you play for one team in the area by no means obligates you to root for another! Boston needs to recognize this and accept that it doesn't matter who he roots for in other sports so long as he supports our organization while he's playing for us, tries his best, and never EVER plays for the Colts or the Jets...or Steelers, Dolphins, or Chargers...
...or Cowboys.
While we're on the topic of Boston fans overreacting, here's another one... Hooray! A photo pun! Back in 2000, it was Roger who overreacted. This time, it's Sox fans. Clemens signed on with the Yankees and everyone suddenly freaked out about it. How did you not see this coming?!? As soon as the Yankees had injury problems, you knew Steinbrenner was going to get him. I think the Rocket was a lock to be in the Bronx this year based on Houston's "performance" of late, but I never even thought he would end up in Boston.
First of all, why did you want him back? After the bad blood when he left, the signing in New York after he was so adamant about never playing for the Yankees while in Boston, the history of the rivalry when he was in pinstripes...you were willing to forget all that, but you won't forgive Johnny Damon for leaving when the Boston brass treated him like crap in the offseason last year? That makes no sense... it was only 4 or 5 years ago!
Next, what more will he do for us? We have the best rotation we've had in years...is it really worth $2 million a start to have him as our fifth starter for half the year? I know Schilling might be in denial saying that Clemens is not an improvement over Tavares, but at the same time he's not going to make a major difference in our record at the end of the year. Lets say Tavares finishes with a 4.50 ERA and Clemens with a 2.50 ERA (both being a little conservative). You mean to tell me the Sox will be involved in that many close games between July 1st (when he would likely start if he went to Boston) and October 1st on the fifth starter's day that our record would fluctuate that much? Please...
Finally, yes, he was a great pitcher in Boston and a Hall of Famer. But in the end, you'd just be pissed off when he still went into the Hall as a Yankee after he came back and "made up" with the fans. He's going to go in wearing a NY cap, folks...time to come to terms.
Anyways, let me state to reassure you that I am and will always be a Sox fan. I am completely involved in the Yankees-Sox rivalry, but I take it in without clouding my better judgment. I just get pissed off with idiot fans sometimes... they exist everywhere, but ours are just drunker, louder, and make the news more often (no offense, Philadelphia).
See you all Thursday after a quick two-day break for my exam...
Good Afternoon True Believers (and the incredibly skeptical, too)! So I'm back and happy to be able to write again with some consistency. I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to need a format to write with or I'll run out of "Cool People" to write about in about two weeks. Therefore, I'm going to give you an idea of the schedule of events you should expect to see.
- Post 1 of Each Week will be a rant. I have no idea if it's an angry or happy rant, whether its about pop culture, sports, politics, or something more personal, but I'll stay to one subject for the bulk of the post. - The middle post will be sticking with the Kings of Cool format (nice! I came up with that on the spot and I'm sticking with it). It'll be on Wednesday or Thursday of each week. - The last post of the week will always be on Friday and will be just a collection of random thoughts or observations that occured to me during the week, which will keep the original format of The Plethora (when it was in print form) alive. This will be known as Frivilous Friday and you're experiencing the first one...congratulations (or sorry)! At least I know John Lithgow is excited or he wouldn't be running through a path of beautiful flowers... (unless that's an ad for allergy medicine or something).
Anyways, let's get to it... - One of the warnings mentioned on the latest Cialis commercials is "Do not drink alcohol in excess when taking Cialis." This makes me realize they've created a way to prevent people with erectile dysfunction from lowering their standards too much. If she isn't attractive after a few drinks, she's not going to get there. Probably a smart evolutionary strategy to prevent future generations from dealing with a bunch of ugly people with sexual problems. Either that or I'm totally overthinking this and they just don't want you to slip when you're climbing into the bathtub. - The Golden State Warriors took out the best team of 2007-2008 (Dallas Mavericks) last night by playing fast, quick, team basketball. It's also the first time in like 10 years I've enjoyed an NBA game. For the love of God, will other teams please start making their teams fun to watch like this instead of structuring the entire organization around one (Lakers, Timberwolves) or two (Nuggets, Heat) overpaid superstar players and just throwing in a few other guys to reach the 5-player requirement? God I miss the old NBA... - Is it me or does low-quality Indian food all look the same other than the rice and naan? I got some chicken curry thing and an eggplant-potato thing today and I couldn't tell them apart when I ordered them. The woman even second-guessed herself when I asked what she had. It's all just a light-brownish-red soupy mush that isn't much to look at but tastes wonderful. - Another terrible idea: my apartment building put their gym in a room where the ceiling is only eight feet high...if I try to use the stairmaster, cross-training, or run on the treadmill on an incline, I hit my head on the ceiling. - Is there a particular code of conduct to follow when a funeral procession passes you? Today, one went by my building as I waited to cross the street. Some people pulled over, others kept driving, some pulled over and got OUT of their cars, and one person had R&B music blasting... people on the sidewalk ignored it, stopped and bowed their heads... it was really confusing. I was waiting to cross the street so I just stood their and stared ahead so I looked like I was really respectful, but I also had headphones on, so I don't know... - The two major drinking holidays, Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day, will fall on the same day of the week every year. Coincidence? Yes. - I'm so tired of hearing about Barbaro. I thought we were done with that stupid horse, but then an ESPN special came out, a movie is going to be made about him, and with people talking about how great he was since the Kentucky Derby is coming up he' s back in the news It's a freakin' horse! Who cares? If we do this for one race horse, why not for all of them? Yes, his injury was hard to watch and I feel bad for him, but tons of horses get put down, pets get run over by cars, people hunt deer and whatever else is fun to shoot at... why should the fact that this animal was popular and an athlete make him deserve all this? It's still a horse! All these people sending cards, presents, letters, etc. to him when he was dying was stupid enough... but give it a rest. I just think its funny that there's probably a kid making a card for Barbaro's 1 Year Anniversary of his death right now with glue the horse helped to make.
Alright, that's all I think I can muster up for now. Next Week, keep an eye out for my fun rant on Tom Brady as a Yankees Fan (it's not going to be what you think) and my third inductee into the ranks of the Kings of Cool - Shawn Hunter. Have a happy and safe Cinco de Mayo, enjoy this nice weather, and remember that Mr. Rogers was the most exciting man on television.
How could I discuss the coolest people in sitcom history without bringing up the J-Man? Jesse Katsopolis (or Jesse Cochran as he was known for a season...he's so cool his last name can change for no reason) was the king of cool for 193 episodes of Full House. He brought suave back to primetime with his perfect quoff of black hair, his musical genius, and his bad-boy attitude that still managed to come across in such a domestic environment.
In fact, he's so kick-ass, he made us forget all about that "other" Uncle Jesse. Remember this guy? If you do, I think you might be a little old, watch a lot of TV Land, or you're training for some kind of weird TV show trivia competition.
Don't you point at me, you forgettable bastard...even though the Red-Headed Stranger tried to portray you in a movie, you suck! And nobody even try to make a case for him being better than the Uncle Jesse of San Francisco. Look at this....but not directly at it lest you burn your retinas:
I just peed myself a little bit...
What made us love the awesome Uncle Jesse was that he could be a good uncle/husband/father, a ladies man, a rock legend, and exterminator, an advertising executive, a successful radio DJ (Rush Hour Renegades!!! Comin' atcha!!!), owner of the Smash Club, a lumberjack that plays piano (Ranger Joe's sidekick "Lumberjack Jess"), a Professor that plays piano (for Joey's "Mr. Egghead" audition)... is there anything this man can't do? Other than wear Becky's fake pregnancy belt for 24 hours in order to win a bet and get Elvis wallpaper for the boys' nursery?
Of course, there was also the mysterious side of Uncle Jesse. He neglected to tell us about his marriage to his Greek cousin (walking around the table? eh?) or his real first name (Hermes). But he did manage to stay true to himself. He didn't sell out and start the international dance craze known as the J-Man (which was, for some reason, an Egyptian kind-of thing) and he instead overloaded our senses with his "Forever" video featuring what may or may not have been his babies (seriously...how can you tell?). Instead of giving in to the cheers of his peers and resurrecting Dr. Dare, he decided not to ride his motorcycle along the edge of a tall building. Even when the Rippers fell apart, he was happy to start up Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets. Whenever anyone needed a hand musically, he was there, be it DJ's school fundraisers, Joey's TV opportunities, Stephanie's birthday (featuring Tommy Page), or just rocking out with the Beach Boys.
In this crazy world of terrorist threats, lead poisoning, sex predators, identity theft, and global warming, there's always one person we can turn to in order to smile, learn a valuable lesson, and then hug while the audience claps and an upbeat, concluding guitar riff plays: Uncle Jesse. No matter what happens to you, we will remember you...forever...
John Stamos Update: Uncle Jesse is now a big star again after a couple attempts at shows (Thieves, Jake in Progress) thanks to his role as Tony Gates on ER. It always seems like the staff of the show is taking advantage of UJ's Godlike features by causing him to randomly become soaked by water (e.g. sprinklers being set off, pouring rain, taking a shower). They know that sex sells...and so does being totally bad-ass.
He also married Rebecca Romijn (weird! He married a Becky in real life, too!). I wasn't planning on putting a picture of her up, but how can I pass up the chance?
Also, he still hangs out with the Full House crew from time to time and he's still as bad-ass as he was the first time he graced our televisions. If you want to learn more about the legend of Uncle Jesse, check out www.wwujd.com where apparently someone else has obsessed over this man even more than I have.
Ahh, a classic from your friends DC the Brain Supreme and Steve Roll'n.
Anyways, it's relevant because I'm back with a vengeance, baby! And when I say baby, I'm referring to you, the one person who is still checking to see if I've posted another blog. I feel we have an intimate connection now after you've stayed strong during my absence. Can I call you baby? No? Alright then...
So I do apologize for being gone for over two weeks and not writing anything relevant for almost a month. As you may know, I'm a graduate student and this was a really tough stretch of work for me (3 papers, a couple assignments, a few presentations). I would have loved to be writing about pop culture and awkward observations I've had instead of writing 30 pages on the applications of Game Theory to Anti-Terrorism policy, but alas, this is what I get to deal with for making my decision to pursue an advanced degree. Oh well...
At this point, I have one exam left...that will knock me out of commission next Tuesday and Wednesday, but otherwise, expect at least 3 (hopefully 5) posts a week from here on out as I waste a beautiful summer in an office making sweet moolah with Uncle Rico (which is what I now plan to call my boss). But after being gone so long, I need to take a hard advertising stance to get my readership back up. So you crazy kids need to help me out through any of the following ways: - Tell your friends how freakin' hilarious I am (or how funny it is that I think I am). - Post links on your own blog, your away message, your facebook page, your Goodyear Blimps, vandalize public property, send smoke signals, and do anything else you can to get The Plethora exposure. - Enjoy the blog yourself because as long as I have one person enjoying this thing, I'm happy enough to keep doing it.
What do I need to do? I need to win you back with the writing only an award-winner can produce (I was given a third place ribbon in the Alton Jones Summer Camp Sack Race...jealous?). And who better to write about in my first real post of May (tomorrow, May 3rd) than Uncle Jesse! I've been talking about it and hyping it up for a month and it's time to make it happen, captain. And trust me, I will make it happen....Sergeant.
Anyways, check back tomorrow afternoon and enjoy the Greek God of Awesome. Here's some Jesse from around the world to get you pumped...
The Random Revival is the more mature older brother of my last blog, The Plethora. In the same style, RR will bring a hopefully humorous look at whatever is on my mind - politics, sports, pop culture, or anything else newsworthy (Even if it was newsworthy 25 years ago).
