How I Selected a Presidential Candidate to Support: Part II

I'd say that was enough time to think. Now, the long awaited (by I'm hoping at least 3-4 people) conclusion to my award-winning blog*.

*NOTE: I gave myself the "Dan's Choice for Favorite Blog Written by Me" for 2007. No, this is not a well-known award...that doesn't make it a false statement.

When I sat and thought about who I want running our country at this pivotal moment in the United States, I thought about some important attributes I want for the man OR woman (since I'm sure I have a strong feminist following....Hey Ladies! How you doin'? ;-) ) in charge to have:
- a calm, yet confident demeanor
- an intelligent thought process that can still be conveyed to the general public without going over their heads
- a commander in chief who will be strong and protect our nation and its interests, but is concerned enough to even go and fight himself
- a family man who knows his values and, while not jeopardizing the nation, will do anything for his wife and kids
- a public speaker who can always leave us with a one-liner to remember his presidency

For comparison, I thought I should pick out the past president I feel fits this mold best and look for other traits in our current candidate. As I scanned the history books, one man came to mind immediately as soon as I came up with these traits. Perhaps our most successful president, he protected our nation during a time of great need. The United States could use another man like him.

President James Marshall (I - MI) Years in Office: 1996-2000

Along side his Vice President Kathryn Bennett, Marshall showed us his family values while also protecting the world from terrorism. He showed trust in his politicians, all of whom were willing to lay it on the line for this man when he needed them. This is a man our country needs. Let's go through the checklist:

- a calm, yet confident demeanor
Check: This man's dulcet baritone voice and unwavering tone, coupled with his equally steady mood makes him a fine candidate to deliver the message of our leaders.
- an intelligent thought process that can still be conveyed to the general public without going over their heads
Check: Didn't use too many big words, but got the message across.
- a commander in chief who will be strong and protect our nation and its interests, but is concerned enough to even go and fight himself
Check: Um, he's so badass that the fight came to him. Winner? Yeah, he won in style...
- a family man who knows his values and, while not jeopardizing the nation, will do anything for his wife and kids Double Check: He kept the First Family alive and well on the plane, all the while saving the world from the crazy terrorists. He even made them leave the plane first...defying direct orders! WOAH!
- a public speaker who can always leave us with a one-liner to remember his presidency
Triple Check: Uh...how about...

GET OFF MY PLANE!

So there you have it. We need to make sure we get someone like James Marshall in the White House. The current candidates? Let's see how they stack up:

Barack Obama
PROS: Seems to be very soft-spoken, but also confident. Would probably have the respect of his cabinet...even William H. Macy might take a bullet for him, too.
CONS: Might stop in the cargo bay when searching for a cell phone to change into his Speedo, causing all the female crew members and the gay pilot to faint, causing the plane to crash. What good are you going to do us as president when you're dead, Barack? Way to think ahead, buddy...

John McCain

PROS: Clearly a snappy dresser, but also very tough on terrorism. Can charm the terrorists into turning the plane around and calmly turning themselves in at Gitmo. Has karate-chop action thanks to his military training...GI John! Although probably unable to beat Marshall in a fight, they could share war stories over a beer afterwards.
CONS: Really, really old. Also, I think he's not only President of the Hair Club for Men, but also a client. It would be impossible for him to juggle the responsibilities of two presidencies. He would have never even made the flight...

Hillary Rodham Clinton
PROS: Women are natural caretakers, so naturally HRC would make a mean PB&J and some Ovaltine for the terrorists and they would play nice in the cockpit. She could also wash the blood stains out of everyone's uniforms.
CONS: Remember how the mom who made Ovaltine milkshakes suddenly had 40 kids in her kitchen? How'd you like to see this in your backyard after school:

Mitt Romney

PROS: Think James Marshall has superhero qualities? Well I bet he doesn't even have magic underwear. Lucky Mormons...
CONS: Romney wouldn't be afraid to die because, as South Park taught us, only Mormons get into heaven. Why would he be concerned about saving himself and his family if he knew that what lies ahead is an eternity of sing-a-longs, face painting, and helping the homeless? OWWW!

John Edward
PROS: Can read peoples' minds and talk to the dead, so he has a HUGE advantage in fighting terrorists! In fact, he can still use the help of all the cabinet members who get shot during the attack...and he stays in touch with all his relatives...ever...
CONS: Such a cocky bastard. Yeah, he's got magical powers and whatnot, but he keeps rubbing it in.

Wait, that's not the guy?

Oh, crap...hold on...

John Edwards
PROS: Not the 2004 Winner of the "Biggest Douche in the Universe" award. Also, he has a good, wholesome look that will make the terrorists unafraid. Then suddenly when they have their guard down...SNAP! He breaks their necks with one hand...AWESOME!
CONS: Yeah, John Edwards can't do that. He's only going to beat terrorists with a slingshot and even then he'll probably get yelled at for destroying Mr. Wilson's flower garden.

By the way, is it me or does he kind of look like Pat Sajak? It's me? Ok...

Rudy Giuliani

PROS: After tackling the "fat-free" frozen yogurt scandal that nearly left Elaine Bettis a fatty, Giuliani helped one of our greatest cities with the aftermatch of a huge terrorist attack. He remained calm, confident, and poised during the ordeal, which is reminiscent of his demeanor during the tackle he made during his time at Notre Dame as documented in a classic film.
CONS: He went to Notre Dame. Marshall was a Michigan Wolverine... G-Money is eliminated on this fact alone.

Dennis Kucinich
PROS: ....um....
CONS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!!!! haha HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AAH HAHA HAH!!!!

Oh man...that was great, I needed that.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of the actual candidate, but merely this 13 year old boy by the same name.


HAHAH... ahem...

And finally...

Ron Paul

PROS: Military experience, confident and calm, family values. The big stuff is all there. He also can operate on people on the plane as a doctor and save a few lives up there. Would have made an excellent vice president to Marshall because Marshall can kick ass and Paul can take names while performing surgery to repair the kicked asses.
CONS: He really likes freedom and the Constitution. When he asks Russian president Petrov to free the terrorist leadership from prison, he'll probably also ask him to free all the drug dealers, prostitutes, and some of the less-violent terrorists.

So in the end, the decision was difficult. However, I think it's clear who should run this country in 2008 and long afterwards...

Harrison Ford for President - 2008!

I mean, who else could do all this:

SIDE NOTE: Awesome story you may or may not believe, but I wrote this entire column and was searching afterwards for the clip of Indiana Jones running through the gauntlet of traps (including that giant boulder) from Raiders of the Lost Ark and came across this. We now have 2 votes for Ford!