Grab Bag of Awesome! Part I!

So the holiday week is about over, the temperature is rising, and work is starting to take its toll. After a long day of working at Kramerica Industries, a diaper factory, or an irregular llama shop, you may be asking yourself a few questions:
- How do I unwind after a long, hard day?
- What are the kids doing these days to stay "hip" and "cool?"
- Why do I keep getting jobs on Craigslist?

Well worry no more...as a service to the fine people of "Teh Interwebs," I am rattling off some of the best things to get your greasy mitts on this summer to stay busy, have some fun, and look like the life of the party. Let's kick this off the right way...with an obvious choice:

1. Invisible Dog Leash!
Holy crap...is it an invisible dog, a mind game, or a clusterfuck of purebread kickass excitement?!? There's no telling who you'll impress with this feat of gravity...the elderly, gullible children, maybe even those with poor vision. The best part about this pet is that all the excrement is invisible and odorless so you can stick it to the man by leaving the pooper scooper in the shed when taking Fido out for a stroll. Just be sure to feed it invisible Kibbles and Bits every day or PETA will pay ecoterrorists to burn your house to the ground...

2. Skip-It!
Ever wanted to kind-of jump rope with one leg but have no arms and no friends? Even more importantly, are you too lazy to count along with it? Well your product is finally here! It's obviously the best toy EVER because you can't play with other people, it doubles as a weapon to shatter the shins of unsuspecting bystanders, and it COUNTS for you! Rock this monument of genius with some LA Lights at night, make a sign out of a Lite Brite that says "Total Badass" and really impress the locals.

3. Raisinets!
Mother of God! It tastes like candy...nature's candy! Except covered in candy! Nestle was the innovative force behind taking a healthy snack and making it terrible for you...the candy apple and chocolate banana may have come first, but they were impossible to sneak into movies without getting your pants sticky. Now, you can take rotten grapes with you in style and get a slight nutritional value at the movies.

4. Segways!
I think my brain just melted...your telling me it's only going to cost thousands of dollars and I can stand on a really small scooter? Whether you're a police officer who can't walk very fast or just a total douchebag, this product is revolutionizing the way we used to be lazy. Topping out at a hair-raising 12.5 MPH, the Segway is technology's way of saying "Bikes suck!" The best part? That's just fast enough for you to give your new invisible dog a hearty workout while you barely exert energy!

5. Hilarious and sexually suggestive mousepads!
Not planning on leaving the computer for a while, but looking for a way to offend the fairer sex anyway? Buy these crazy mousepads with three-dimensional breasts! Computer dorks rejoice in paradox as the voluptuous padding helps prevent carpal tunnel syndrome while also helping to cause it...hell, you weren't planning to use your Bowflex anytime soon so there's no harm in horribly disfiguring your wrists. Score! Plus, the Skip-It doesn't require arm movement! Double score! If you're keeping track, that's three total scores!

Is this not enough to keep you busy this summer? Then check back next week for more products to buy that will keep you cool both in temperature and style...