The Big Move...

The time has come...after a nearly six-month hiatus, I'm back to the blogging. But I decided that a new year and a new direction (I was getting a little too "out there" if you couldn't tell with my possibly drug-induced last post about less than nothing) would be good so I've started a new blog and decided to retire The Plethora. I've also decided to stop blogging at work (I got a nice promotion which lead to my inability to blog since I got a lot more to do), but I plan to write a post 1-2 times a week so be sure to check tri-daily.

So ladies and gents, if you're still interested in my writing, head over to randomrevival.blogspot.com and bookmark that bitch. I'll bring the same hilarity, but hopefully without getting so obscure on you. Or I will...I have no idea. Either way, tell your friends...

Grab Bag of Awesome! Part I!

So the holiday week is about over, the temperature is rising, and work is starting to take its toll. After a long day of working at Kramerica Industries, a diaper factory, or an irregular llama shop, you may be asking yourself a few questions:
- How do I unwind after a long, hard day?
- What are the kids doing these days to stay "hip" and "cool?"
- Why do I keep getting jobs on Craigslist?

Well worry no more...as a service to the fine people of "Teh Interwebs," I am rattling off some of the best things to get your greasy mitts on this summer to stay busy, have some fun, and look like the life of the party. Let's kick this off the right way...with an obvious choice:

1. Invisible Dog Leash!
Holy crap...is it an invisible dog, a mind game, or a clusterfuck of purebread kickass excitement?!? There's no telling who you'll impress with this feat of gravity...the elderly, gullible children, maybe even those with poor vision. The best part about this pet is that all the excrement is invisible and odorless so you can stick it to the man by leaving the pooper scooper in the shed when taking Fido out for a stroll. Just be sure to feed it invisible Kibbles and Bits every day or PETA will pay ecoterrorists to burn your house to the ground...

2. Skip-It!
Ever wanted to kind-of jump rope with one leg but have no arms and no friends? Even more importantly, are you too lazy to count along with it? Well your product is finally here! It's obviously the best toy EVER because you can't play with other people, it doubles as a weapon to shatter the shins of unsuspecting bystanders, and it COUNTS for you! Rock this monument of genius with some LA Lights at night, make a sign out of a Lite Brite that says "Total Badass" and really impress the locals.

3. Raisinets!
Mother of God! It tastes like candy...nature's candy! Except covered in candy! Nestle was the innovative force behind taking a healthy snack and making it terrible for you...the candy apple and chocolate banana may have come first, but they were impossible to sneak into movies without getting your pants sticky. Now, you can take rotten grapes with you in style and get a slight nutritional value at the movies.

4. Segways!
I think my brain just melted...your telling me it's only going to cost thousands of dollars and I can stand on a really small scooter? Whether you're a police officer who can't walk very fast or just a total douchebag, this product is revolutionizing the way we used to be lazy. Topping out at a hair-raising 12.5 MPH, the Segway is technology's way of saying "Bikes suck!" The best part? That's just fast enough for you to give your new invisible dog a hearty workout while you barely exert energy!

5. Hilarious and sexually suggestive mousepads!
Not planning on leaving the computer for a while, but looking for a way to offend the fairer sex anyway? Buy these crazy mousepads with three-dimensional breasts! Computer dorks rejoice in paradox as the voluptuous padding helps prevent carpal tunnel syndrome while also helping to cause it...hell, you weren't planning to use your Bowflex anytime soon so there's no harm in horribly disfiguring your wrists. Score! Plus, the Skip-It doesn't require arm movement! Double score! If you're keeping track, that's three total scores!

Is this not enough to keep you busy this summer? Then check back next week for more products to buy that will keep you cool both in temperature and style...

How I Selected a Presidential Candidate to Support: Part II

I'd say that was enough time to think. Now, the long awaited (by I'm hoping at least 3-4 people) conclusion to my award-winning blog*.

*NOTE: I gave myself the "Dan's Choice for Favorite Blog Written by Me" for 2007. No, this is not a well-known award...that doesn't make it a false statement.

When I sat and thought about who I want running our country at this pivotal moment in the United States, I thought about some important attributes I want for the man OR woman (since I'm sure I have a strong feminist following....Hey Ladies! How you doin'? ;-) ) in charge to have:
- a calm, yet confident demeanor
- an intelligent thought process that can still be conveyed to the general public without going over their heads
- a commander in chief who will be strong and protect our nation and its interests, but is concerned enough to even go and fight himself
- a family man who knows his values and, while not jeopardizing the nation, will do anything for his wife and kids
- a public speaker who can always leave us with a one-liner to remember his presidency

For comparison, I thought I should pick out the past president I feel fits this mold best and look for other traits in our current candidate. As I scanned the history books, one man came to mind immediately as soon as I came up with these traits. Perhaps our most successful president, he protected our nation during a time of great need. The United States could use another man like him.

President James Marshall (I - MI) Years in Office: 1996-2000

Along side his Vice President Kathryn Bennett, Marshall showed us his family values while also protecting the world from terrorism. He showed trust in his politicians, all of whom were willing to lay it on the line for this man when he needed them. This is a man our country needs. Let's go through the checklist:

- a calm, yet confident demeanor
Check: This man's dulcet baritone voice and unwavering tone, coupled with his equally steady mood makes him a fine candidate to deliver the message of our leaders.
- an intelligent thought process that can still be conveyed to the general public without going over their heads
Check: Didn't use too many big words, but got the message across.
- a commander in chief who will be strong and protect our nation and its interests, but is concerned enough to even go and fight himself
Check: Um, he's so badass that the fight came to him. Winner? Yeah, he won in style...
- a family man who knows his values and, while not jeopardizing the nation, will do anything for his wife and kids Double Check: He kept the First Family alive and well on the plane, all the while saving the world from the crazy terrorists. He even made them leave the plane first...defying direct orders! WOAH!
- a public speaker who can always leave us with a one-liner to remember his presidency
Triple Check: Uh...how about...

GET OFF MY PLANE!

So there you have it. We need to make sure we get someone like James Marshall in the White House. The current candidates? Let's see how they stack up:

Barack Obama
PROS: Seems to be very soft-spoken, but also confident. Would probably have the respect of his cabinet...even William H. Macy might take a bullet for him, too.
CONS: Might stop in the cargo bay when searching for a cell phone to change into his Speedo, causing all the female crew members and the gay pilot to faint, causing the plane to crash. What good are you going to do us as president when you're dead, Barack? Way to think ahead, buddy...

John McCain

PROS: Clearly a snappy dresser, but also very tough on terrorism. Can charm the terrorists into turning the plane around and calmly turning themselves in at Gitmo. Has karate-chop action thanks to his military training...GI John! Although probably unable to beat Marshall in a fight, they could share war stories over a beer afterwards.
CONS: Really, really old. Also, I think he's not only President of the Hair Club for Men, but also a client. It would be impossible for him to juggle the responsibilities of two presidencies. He would have never even made the flight...

Hillary Rodham Clinton
PROS: Women are natural caretakers, so naturally HRC would make a mean PB&J and some Ovaltine for the terrorists and they would play nice in the cockpit. She could also wash the blood stains out of everyone's uniforms.
CONS: Remember how the mom who made Ovaltine milkshakes suddenly had 40 kids in her kitchen? How'd you like to see this in your backyard after school:

Mitt Romney

PROS: Think James Marshall has superhero qualities? Well I bet he doesn't even have magic underwear. Lucky Mormons...
CONS: Romney wouldn't be afraid to die because, as South Park taught us, only Mormons get into heaven. Why would he be concerned about saving himself and his family if he knew that what lies ahead is an eternity of sing-a-longs, face painting, and helping the homeless? OWWW!

John Edward
PROS: Can read peoples' minds and talk to the dead, so he has a HUGE advantage in fighting terrorists! In fact, he can still use the help of all the cabinet members who get shot during the attack...and he stays in touch with all his relatives...ever...
CONS: Such a cocky bastard. Yeah, he's got magical powers and whatnot, but he keeps rubbing it in.

Wait, that's not the guy?

Oh, crap...hold on...

John Edwards
PROS: Not the 2004 Winner of the "Biggest Douche in the Universe" award. Also, he has a good, wholesome look that will make the terrorists unafraid. Then suddenly when they have their guard down...SNAP! He breaks their necks with one hand...AWESOME!
CONS: Yeah, John Edwards can't do that. He's only going to beat terrorists with a slingshot and even then he'll probably get yelled at for destroying Mr. Wilson's flower garden.

By the way, is it me or does he kind of look like Pat Sajak? It's me? Ok...

Rudy Giuliani

PROS: After tackling the "fat-free" frozen yogurt scandal that nearly left Elaine Bettis a fatty, Giuliani helped one of our greatest cities with the aftermatch of a huge terrorist attack. He remained calm, confident, and poised during the ordeal, which is reminiscent of his demeanor during the tackle he made during his time at Notre Dame as documented in a classic film.
CONS: He went to Notre Dame. Marshall was a Michigan Wolverine... G-Money is eliminated on this fact alone.

Dennis Kucinich
PROS: ....um....
CONS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH!!!! haha HA HAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AAH HAHA HAH!!!!

Oh man...that was great, I needed that.

Sorry, I couldn't find a picture of the actual candidate, but merely this 13 year old boy by the same name.


HAHAH... ahem...

And finally...

Ron Paul

PROS: Military experience, confident and calm, family values. The big stuff is all there. He also can operate on people on the plane as a doctor and save a few lives up there. Would have made an excellent vice president to Marshall because Marshall can kick ass and Paul can take names while performing surgery to repair the kicked asses.
CONS: He really likes freedom and the Constitution. When he asks Russian president Petrov to free the terrorist leadership from prison, he'll probably also ask him to free all the drug dealers, prostitutes, and some of the less-violent terrorists.

So in the end, the decision was difficult. However, I think it's clear who should run this country in 2008 and long afterwards...

Harrison Ford for President - 2008!

I mean, who else could do all this:

SIDE NOTE: Awesome story you may or may not believe, but I wrote this entire column and was searching afterwards for the clip of Indiana Jones running through the gauntlet of traps (including that giant boulder) from Raiders of the Lost Ark and came across this. We now have 2 votes for Ford!

How I Selected a Presidential Candidate to Support: Part I

The presidential debates are here and the country can't stop mootin' and hollerin'. As you may or may not know, I currently reside in Washington, DC - a hot bed of political activity even though we're all technically just staying in the country and not represented by the government. The District almost always votes democrat, but there are some loud activists for most causes. Debate can occur around any corner, be it at a local bookstore in Dupont Circle, late night at a bar in Georgetown, or even on a stroll through Rock Creek Park. In this environment, I find it more necessary than ever to come to a decision about who I support in the next elections, especially for President of the United States.

As I sat around last weekend, I started to ponder what an important choice this would be. My decision will shape the conversations I will have with friends and associates who cannot stop talking about politics even when we're kicking back a few at 2:30 in the freakin' morning and I can't put together a coherent sentence, let alone explain why John McCain's stance on immigration might be flawed or why Hillary Clinton's gender might cost our country diplomatic ties in the Middle East due to cultural differences with other nations. My decision will determine which bumper sticker I will pick up at a free table and then leave in my room to collect dust since I don't own a car. My decision may even determine who wins this election... but it probably won't since there are so many people in this country and my area is going to give their electoral votes to the democratic candidate. Taking time to decide may be futile...


Oh shit!!! I'm sorry P Diddy... no, I promise I'm going to vote! I swear!! Don't kill me!

Huh? OK, I'll take a t-shirt...

Awesome! Now I'm being an activist, but I'm totally super trendy as well (which is obviously more important) and I can hang out with awesome celebrities like Mya and Fitty. If these sexy, famous people want me to vote, who am I to tell them "No." And speaking of sexy, here comes Paris Hilton. Hey Paris, what has two thumbs and just got traded for a carton of cigarettes to the 300 pound tattooed woman in Cell Block D who got arrested when she shot up a Denny's when her Moons Over My Hammy was too cold?

Crap, you already knew that one, huh? Nice shirt though.

Anyway, the fine citizens of the "Vote or Die" campaign have convinced me my decision is important...much too important to be taken lightly. I need more time to mull this over and I'll announce my decision proudly to the world soon.

What's in a nickname?

It's been a long time coming. Now that Lost has been over for nearly two weeks, I'm finally getting to write about one of current TV's great bad-asses: James Ford, who you likely know as "Sawyer." Now crashing on a deserted island is always going to be rough. People are injured or dying, no guarantee of food or fresh water, and the comforts of home are a mere memory. Now you have two choices in this situation: you can whine about how terrible your life is (see: Shannon) or you can start looting everyone else's stuff. Sawyer knows what's going on, he knows he needs to take care of himself, and he is happy to cause a stir in the process.

Not only is Sawyer willing to cause tension to mount between other castaways by hoarding medicine, guns, books, and all sorts of other goodies, he's sure to throw in a condescending nickname in the process. Take Jack, for example. Hi Jack!


You just missed it, but right before this picture was taken, Jack got really intense, had a long flashback all of us could see, spoke about how his job as a surgeon has led him to make some heroic decision (e.g. "I can't let her die!"), almost cried, and then counted to 5 and was fine.

Anyways, Jack and Sawyer don't always get along. While Sawyer typically does not get anyone to side with him, he just seems to have fun getting under the "Doc's" skin. Let's have a fun look back at all the nicknames Sawyer gave to the island's resident surgeon:

- Amarillo Slim
- Chico
- Cool Hand
- Cowboy
- Daniel Boone
- Doc
- Dr. Do Right
- Dr. Giggles
- Dr. Quinn
- The Hero
- Hoss
- Jackass
- El Jacko
- Metro
- Sheriff
- St. Jack
- The Doc

But how can you blame him from enjoying making others miserable. He's lived this life for years since his "childhood tragedy" (I'll be safe in case some of you are still catching up with the show). Who else would have swiped a gun off the plane's air marshal? Charlie? Uh, not unless the gun shot delicious heroine into his mouth. Sawyer stole it, of course. And good thing, too...because guess what? He shot a bear!

Now even though he has softened up a little bit (honoring the "no nickname" bet with Hurley, becoming less selfish, getting all mushy and romantic with "Freckles," etc.), he's still got the cutting edge attitude necessary to survive on the island. And without Sawyer, there is going to be a lot of problems for the rest of the castaways. Sure, Sayid has the military background, Jack has the medical expertise, and Juliette knows the plans of the Others, but only Sawyer has the gritty determination to get things done right the first time and to test the limits of others. And that's because he's a bad-ass.

Side Note: Think I'm the only one who feels Sawyer's bad-ass mentality helps him own the island? Check out Dwight Schrute's blog from a while back where he discussed a Lost-Battlestar Gallactica crossover. My favorite part:

"Starbuck would shoot the unseen monster and Sawyer would say
something witty and sexy, like "Nice shot, blondie. Where'd you
learn to shoot a laser like that? From watching princess Leia?"

She would say, "Put a sock in it Sawyer" but the attraction would be
too much for them and they would have to start making out again."

Work is Intense...

Yeah, so those posts never happened this week. My job has been ridiculous this week...to the point where I can't even slack off. My bosses love me now because I'm putting in about 10-12 hours a day, but it's really cutting in to my lazy time (reading and writing blogs, fantasy baseball, stealth napping, etc.). Once this deadline ends, I'll be back. I still owe you a Sawyer "Bad-Ass of the Week" column, my presidential selection column, and I've got plenty I want to talk about. Unfortunately, I'm barely having time to write this on my lunch break.

Look for me next week. I promise I'll make up for these couple weeks with massive amounts of posting. Stay with me people. In the meantime, read the blogs/sites to the right (all have been pretty funny lately, except Ryan's because he's been worse than I have with posting).

Enjoy the start to your June...and enjoy Dwight Halpert.

I've joined the Dwight Army of Champions!

Dan
Am Dan
Name is Dan

Yeah, so I've now spent an entire week in the real world, but unfortunately, that coincided with a crapload of work (see, I can be family-friendly). I had planned my sweet schedule to post three times a week with awesome topics and a rotating schedule of important formats, but honestly, I've had so much work dumped on me I can barely keep up with my fantasy team (gasp!).

So here's the deal, party people: I've got a huge deadline this week on Thursday. I'm going to post my Sawyer blog tomorrow night before Lost starts (at the special time of 9/8c) so you can get pumped up for the finale. Then, Friday, I will post something discussing my surefire way to select a presidential candidate to support in 2008. Then, next week, I'll be hopefully back up to speed, but I promise, as a member of the Dwight Army of Champions(!) and not a slacker-loser-wiseass like Jim, I will not let another week go by without my prose tickling your funny bone (elbow)/idea bone (brain)/lack of boredom bone (Xyphoid Process).

Anyways, keep an eye out for the post tomorrow night (or save it to enjoy Thursday knowing I wrote it before the finale...so I knew Locke was still alive before they reveal that...take THAT Lost writing staff) and for more hilarity in the coming weeks. Sorry again to stand you up...but face it, you're all dirty whores when it comes to reading blogs.

Except for you...I just mean everyone else...we're cool, right?

Ok, so in lieu of typing now since I'm now in the crunch, enjoy Stephen Colbert's answer to Korean R&B sensation Rain: